Post by Young Sammich on Sept 22, 2014 6:46:21 GMT -5
A friend of mine on another forum took the time to summarize Destiny's story in a humorous way and even manages to get in a jab at ME3 and other popular franchises. I hope you find it as amusing as I did
Oiginal post: assembly.forwarduntodawn.com/index.php?topic=485.msg10725#msg10725
So... lets talk about dot-to-dot books.
1.--2.--3.--4.--5.--6. Picture!
Mass Effect 3 you connect all the dots and get a picture of Casey Hudson smiling at you and giving you the finger, holding up a sign saying "go buy DLC and play multiplayer like a REAL man (ps its ok to be gay)".
Destiny you connect all the dots, then you go back and check you connected them in the right order because they don't actually make a picture, its just random criss-crossed lines.
Area 1: random scavenger dudes. Mysterious moon men.
Area 2: Scavs fight moon men. Moon men have HOLLOWED OUT THE MOON and are performing some activity on a piece of the Traveler OMG what is their diabolical plan? They are the big bad guys, right? (who cares? there aren't any more of them for the rest of the game!)
Area 3: Scavs fight robots. Download all porn from university network. Fight robots. Learn robots have a garden. Ask passive-aggressive space elves for help. Kill big robot. Robots big bad guys, right?
Area 4: Squats *blam* space dwarves fighting war against robots over... reasons. Find robot space-time garden. Fight the ghosts of xmas past, present and future. Weird black space heart implodes. Tyrion deadpan: 'you saved the Traveler'. What? How? They had a space blob. Mystery lady gives me a gun (not a scout rifle of course).
What is X and why should I care?
Fallen, scavengers, don't like having dead people brought back to life in their rusty car collection, or having their one spaceship stolen (even though they have plenty of bigger better ones).
Hive, moon men, gave up on humans to hollow out the moon...
Vex, robots, transformed Mercury into Unicron, majority shareholders in Venus and Mars. Time travel.
Cabal, fat guys, I don't even.
Traveler, Space Balls, gave us advanced technology once. Now floats there shedding Ghosts like dandruff to summon its undead army of... what? (subdividing its spark again and again to create the Transformers). Does NOTHING all game, but all the NPC's are obsessed with it when it isn't even that great a skybox. (Who wants to bet you penetrate it and kill Malcolm in the Middle at the end of D3stiny?
Mystery Robot Lady, is mystery, go here, do this, *bamf*.
The Tower, things I can't afford. 'Important' people who are only interested in me while I browse their wares (like pretty girls working in cafes).
The City, all the people I'm supposed to be protecting, but never see. I guess I'm supposed to care that faceless human city is sort of in danger, but not actually under actual attack. Because human.
Space Queen, incestous brother and sister squatting in abandoned wrecks, keeping alien warriors as pets and acting better than everyone else. I'm supposed to be intimidated, but I just wiped out a few legions worth of their pets compatriots and I roflstomped their survival mission.
Ramputin (you see what I did there? Triple entendre FTW), Russian AI who I'm sure isn't insane/evil.
Conclusion: zero investment in story. I don't care about anything that is going on. The Traveler could explode and take out the city and the tower and I wouldnt GAF.
Nobody seems to have deeper motivations than (human/Traveler good)(human/Traveler bad). What does the Traveler want? What does the queen want? What does the Cabal Emperor want? Are the Hive and the Vex serving the same darkness, or two different darknesses? I don't ask this because I'm curious, I ask because at least one or more of these NEEDED to be revealed for this game to have an actual story.
The game is like the Phantom Menace if you never saw the Droid Army, removed the politics, and if the Jedi answered everything in riddles. Pretty to look at, impossible to follow.
So now I guess its grind time. I'm looking forward to their being no difference to the game what class, race, and gender I am... ugh.
I'll also just leave this here:
Oiginal post: assembly.forwarduntodawn.com/index.php?topic=485.msg10725#msg10725
So... lets talk about dot-to-dot books.
1.--2.--3.--4.--5.--6. Picture!
Mass Effect 3 you connect all the dots and get a picture of Casey Hudson smiling at you and giving you the finger, holding up a sign saying "go buy DLC and play multiplayer like a REAL man (ps its ok to be gay)".
Destiny you connect all the dots, then you go back and check you connected them in the right order because they don't actually make a picture, its just random criss-crossed lines.
Area 1: random scavenger dudes. Mysterious moon men.
Area 2: Scavs fight moon men. Moon men have HOLLOWED OUT THE MOON and are performing some activity on a piece of the Traveler OMG what is their diabolical plan? They are the big bad guys, right? (who cares? there aren't any more of them for the rest of the game!)
Area 3: Scavs fight robots. Download all porn from university network. Fight robots. Learn robots have a garden. Ask passive-aggressive space elves for help. Kill big robot. Robots big bad guys, right?
Area 4: Squats *blam* space dwarves fighting war against robots over... reasons. Find robot space-time garden. Fight the ghosts of xmas past, present and future. Weird black space heart implodes. Tyrion deadpan: 'you saved the Traveler'. What? How? They had a space blob. Mystery lady gives me a gun (not a scout rifle of course).
What is X and why should I care?
Fallen, scavengers, don't like having dead people brought back to life in their rusty car collection, or having their one spaceship stolen (even though they have plenty of bigger better ones).
Hive, moon men, gave up on humans to hollow out the moon...
Vex, robots, transformed Mercury into Unicron, majority shareholders in Venus and Mars. Time travel.
Cabal, fat guys, I don't even.
Traveler, Space Balls, gave us advanced technology once. Now floats there shedding Ghosts like dandruff to summon its undead army of... what? (subdividing its spark again and again to create the Transformers). Does NOTHING all game, but all the NPC's are obsessed with it when it isn't even that great a skybox. (Who wants to bet you penetrate it and kill Malcolm in the Middle at the end of D3stiny?
Mystery Robot Lady, is mystery, go here, do this, *bamf*.
The Tower, things I can't afford. 'Important' people who are only interested in me while I browse their wares (like pretty girls working in cafes).
The City, all the people I'm supposed to be protecting, but never see. I guess I'm supposed to care that faceless human city is sort of in danger, but not actually under actual attack. Because human.
Space Queen, incestous brother and sister squatting in abandoned wrecks, keeping alien warriors as pets and acting better than everyone else. I'm supposed to be intimidated, but I just wiped out a few legions worth of their pets compatriots and I roflstomped their survival mission.
Ramputin (you see what I did there? Triple entendre FTW), Russian AI who I'm sure isn't insane/evil.
Conclusion: zero investment in story. I don't care about anything that is going on. The Traveler could explode and take out the city and the tower and I wouldnt GAF.
Nobody seems to have deeper motivations than (human/Traveler good)(human/Traveler bad). What does the Traveler want? What does the queen want? What does the Cabal Emperor want? Are the Hive and the Vex serving the same darkness, or two different darknesses? I don't ask this because I'm curious, I ask because at least one or more of these NEEDED to be revealed for this game to have an actual story.
The game is like the Phantom Menace if you never saw the Droid Army, removed the politics, and if the Jedi answered everything in riddles. Pretty to look at, impossible to follow.
So now I guess its grind time. I'm looking forward to their being no difference to the game what class, race, and gender I am... ugh.
I'll also just leave this here: