Post by Deleted on Sept 18, 2014 20:36:45 GMT -5
I've stared at a blank screen for days now. I just stare at it. I don't even know why. I'm not writing anymore. But there's the pull and the need and the want to. But I can't. I don't even know why I'm writing this beyond the need to. It's habit for me, I think. And I feel.... incomplete when I don't do something. An outlet maybe. A pressure switch to my coping mechanism. Leave it on for too long and I break something. Take it off too early and I come up with absolute shit to write about. I've kept that pressure switch off too long. So I need to say something before I break.
"There's no such thing as Game Journalism."
That's what made me stop writing. Pause. Not pause really. More like stop and shut down completely. All stop. Freeze in motion. Reevaluate the last eight, almost nine years of my life. I'm not a good writer. If I was a good writer I'd be doing this professionally by now. I've held myself back. I've stopped myself from taking those opportunities. Why? Because even back then I could feel something was wrong. I'd watch and read and sigh at the sensationalistic tripe that Kotaku, IGN, Ars Technica, and all of the other so-called "professional" sites were becoming. Nothing more than corporate mouthpieces for bigger and wealthier publishers and developers in the gaming industry.
This profession is corrupted. It has been since the mid-80's. All the way back to Atari and "Kee Games", the supposed "competitor". Turns out Kee Games was simply a subsidiary of Atari games juking and jiving retailers the entire time. Then the gaming crash happened. Because the glut and the greed and the arrogance had reached a tipping point. The public was sick of it. I was too young back then to really understand. I just adjusted, went to arcade cubby holes. Spent five and six dollars worth of quarters as Dirk the Daring or one of the Lee Brothers in Double Dragon. Then it re-surged. It lived again. And I traipsed through 8 bit worlds as Mario, Link, Samus.
Then I grew older. Final Fantasy, Dragon Quest, Ninja Gaiden. Grew older still. Lived in the Goldeneye world, shot down enough imperial ball cruisers to wipe out the Imperial Fleet ten times over. I grew older still. Finally traded in my light gun for a real one. And I saw how cold and heartless and cruel the real world can really be.
I wept for a child no older than 2, in the dusty shoals of Iraq. A child that had been desecrated by the evil that men do. I wept for a child that never really had a chance to grow old, love, and die wrinkled and grey surrounded by a family that loved him. I left that place broken and hollow. And when the day came to reintroduce myself to the civilized world, I found solace in worlds that were far from perfect, but far from this one. So in a way, it helped me to cope unnaturally. I didn't socialize, I didn't want to. I hated to. But in time, games taught me to reconnect to people. To share stories over chats that are now long gone. To laugh and smile and draw strength from people. to find a way to share something private by making it public. So I started to write. 8 1/2 Years later all it took to make me stop were 7 words.
"There's no such thing as Game Journalism."
Complete and total stop. Look, I don't think it was said in anything but as a jest. A sarcastic tongue-in-cheek. But it hit me like a sledgehammer to the face. I looked back at what I'd done, where I'd been, and what I hadn't really accomplished with it. 8 1/2 years. Not professional. No longer young. Motherless. Grandmotherless. More a shadow than the candlelight I thought I'd be.
"There's no such thing as Game Journalism."
Full goddamn stop. I don't have it right now to write worth shit. Feel sorry for myself. Feel numb. It's stupid. Stupid thing to feel. Because it's nothing. I feel nothing. Now I don't even feel like trying anymore. Try to reach out to these professional places. Leave something behind that the whole world can read. I didn't even know what day it was today until I looked at my goddamn watch a few minutes ago. I just work. Eat. Sleep. Refuckingpeat. Why? Because of this goddamn GamerGate shit. It's poisoned everything. At least that's what I thought. But looking back, looking at just how fucked up this profession is, all the way back to Atari. It's evil, evil shit. Atari, EA, Hot Coffee, goddamn Zoe Quinn. I'm sorry. But I don't care if she's a woman. If this had been "Zack" Quinn instead, then he'd be a manipulative asshole. And Anita? I don't have anything against her. At least she's trying. Not always my cup of tea, but at least she's expressing herself with some class. She's utilizing the rights to great effect. I can't hate anyone for that. I respect her right to expression. To enjoy the freedom of speech.
And that's it. That's why I sometimes feel like I can't write anymore. My profession is bent, my identity as a gamer is threatened, my will to simply enjoy a past time and a hobby, with as much truth and honesty as I can muster. That's gone. Because in the end, maybe those same seven words are right. There's no such thing as Game Journalism. Maybe there never really was.
"..... public enlightenment is the forerunner of justice and the foundation of democracy. Ethical journalism strives to ensure the free exchange of information that is accurate, fair and thorough. An ethical journalist acts with integrity."
God I weep at what Game Journalism has become.
It's all just one big goddamn mess.
"There's no such thing as Game Journalism."
That's what made me stop writing. Pause. Not pause really. More like stop and shut down completely. All stop. Freeze in motion. Reevaluate the last eight, almost nine years of my life. I'm not a good writer. If I was a good writer I'd be doing this professionally by now. I've held myself back. I've stopped myself from taking those opportunities. Why? Because even back then I could feel something was wrong. I'd watch and read and sigh at the sensationalistic tripe that Kotaku, IGN, Ars Technica, and all of the other so-called "professional" sites were becoming. Nothing more than corporate mouthpieces for bigger and wealthier publishers and developers in the gaming industry.
This profession is corrupted. It has been since the mid-80's. All the way back to Atari and "Kee Games", the supposed "competitor". Turns out Kee Games was simply a subsidiary of Atari games juking and jiving retailers the entire time. Then the gaming crash happened. Because the glut and the greed and the arrogance had reached a tipping point. The public was sick of it. I was too young back then to really understand. I just adjusted, went to arcade cubby holes. Spent five and six dollars worth of quarters as Dirk the Daring or one of the Lee Brothers in Double Dragon. Then it re-surged. It lived again. And I traipsed through 8 bit worlds as Mario, Link, Samus.
Then I grew older. Final Fantasy, Dragon Quest, Ninja Gaiden. Grew older still. Lived in the Goldeneye world, shot down enough imperial ball cruisers to wipe out the Imperial Fleet ten times over. I grew older still. Finally traded in my light gun for a real one. And I saw how cold and heartless and cruel the real world can really be.
I wept for a child no older than 2, in the dusty shoals of Iraq. A child that had been desecrated by the evil that men do. I wept for a child that never really had a chance to grow old, love, and die wrinkled and grey surrounded by a family that loved him. I left that place broken and hollow. And when the day came to reintroduce myself to the civilized world, I found solace in worlds that were far from perfect, but far from this one. So in a way, it helped me to cope unnaturally. I didn't socialize, I didn't want to. I hated to. But in time, games taught me to reconnect to people. To share stories over chats that are now long gone. To laugh and smile and draw strength from people. to find a way to share something private by making it public. So I started to write. 8 1/2 Years later all it took to make me stop were 7 words.
"There's no such thing as Game Journalism."
Complete and total stop. Look, I don't think it was said in anything but as a jest. A sarcastic tongue-in-cheek. But it hit me like a sledgehammer to the face. I looked back at what I'd done, where I'd been, and what I hadn't really accomplished with it. 8 1/2 years. Not professional. No longer young. Motherless. Grandmotherless. More a shadow than the candlelight I thought I'd be.
"There's no such thing as Game Journalism."
Full goddamn stop. I don't have it right now to write worth shit. Feel sorry for myself. Feel numb. It's stupid. Stupid thing to feel. Because it's nothing. I feel nothing. Now I don't even feel like trying anymore. Try to reach out to these professional places. Leave something behind that the whole world can read. I didn't even know what day it was today until I looked at my goddamn watch a few minutes ago. I just work. Eat. Sleep. Refuckingpeat. Why? Because of this goddamn GamerGate shit. It's poisoned everything. At least that's what I thought. But looking back, looking at just how fucked up this profession is, all the way back to Atari. It's evil, evil shit. Atari, EA, Hot Coffee, goddamn Zoe Quinn. I'm sorry. But I don't care if she's a woman. If this had been "Zack" Quinn instead, then he'd be a manipulative asshole. And Anita? I don't have anything against her. At least she's trying. Not always my cup of tea, but at least she's expressing herself with some class. She's utilizing the rights to great effect. I can't hate anyone for that. I respect her right to expression. To enjoy the freedom of speech.
And that's it. That's why I sometimes feel like I can't write anymore. My profession is bent, my identity as a gamer is threatened, my will to simply enjoy a past time and a hobby, with as much truth and honesty as I can muster. That's gone. Because in the end, maybe those same seven words are right. There's no such thing as Game Journalism. Maybe there never really was.
"..... public enlightenment is the forerunner of justice and the foundation of democracy. Ethical journalism strives to ensure the free exchange of information that is accurate, fair and thorough. An ethical journalist acts with integrity."
God I weep at what Game Journalism has become.
It's all just one big goddamn mess.